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I’m in love with a Guitarist.

It's You

   There you go again. I was just sitting there in the middle of nowhere. And I had no, even the slightest idea of what I was actually thinking about. I was just there with chin resting on my hand, contemplating life as if all in this world was just a pain. Clueless is the only word that could describe myself at that time. But it's you. You were passing by me. I was someone who thought there was no one in the world who would be good enough for me. Not to be all high of course, it was just that no one was able to understand me. but you. It's you. you were walking, not even a glance you took, but I could sense the warmth of your presence. the comfort that you presented unintentionally, to be honest, I couldn't and I still can't get enough of it. And by the time you started to notice me, I knew it was a change. A difference that has changed the way I think of the world. Only with you sitting by my side, I knew that I would be alright. Everything would be okay. There was nothing to worry about. And since then I realised, I could sense the piercing cold in your absence.

   I'm positive that you won't even know it, because I never show it, until now. But that should be fine, because I don't know what would happen if once you knew it. Would you stay the same? or would you go away, be so distant from me instead? Rather than thinking of the two possibilities, I would just hold on to the fact. The fact that you are always there for me. The reality that I can see your smile every time I want to. The truth that I can listen to the softness of your voice and feel the warmth of your hand.

Part 3- Puzzling

Puzzling. it's probably the word that fits me right now.
Everyone, everything, seems to be complicated, complex in my eyes.
Not only are they puzzling to me, I can't even understand myself. What do I want... what do I feel... What I desire. Sometimes I feel like I just keep jogging in place. no matter how hard I've strived, how much I've tried, they seem to be so pointless.

Rather than trying so much to think positively, I'm being more scared after all. Scared of the new day, which day I expected to be a good brand new start. But I suppose it's not the case anymore. 'the me' now is totally different from 'the me' in the past. 'the me' now is hopeless, and lacking so much. I tell myself to be strong, but in the reality, I cannot. I tell myself to believe, but in fact, I cannot trust anyone. I tell myself to keep trying, but the truth is, i just break down in a blink of the eye.

No one seems to understand my circumstance, but that's okay, because I don't even have any strength to tell them, and even if I did, i don't think I could, my words would be worthless. these things running on my mind, they keep rushing, haunting me, I can't control them. I can't help it. In one second, I could think of one thing and move to another. it always works that way. and I have no idea why. the more I think about it, the more I feel so pathetic about myself. Because i'm pretty sure it's not just my feelings, it's me, it's the reality. I'm someone to pity on.

They say "you have to love yourself first, then you can love the others"
I'm trying, trying to love myself, but how can I keep going if I can't even understand these hidden feelings of mine?

Part 2- A day of happiness

Did i say i would post my activities constantly? I hope not. because this post is probably 3 or 4 months away from the part 1 xD
OMG, i even forgot I've written that part 1. Well, first of all, I'm pretty sure you would think of this post as a cheerful and jolly one as you read the title. but like the saying says "don't judge a book by its cover". And by referring to that idea, "don't judge an article's tone by its heading". -L.A
Before I remembered and got to write this post, there were lots and lots I have been through. and i can say, I'm still going through some of them.
I always get this particular question in my head:
"why is it so hard just to live a day with happiness throughout?"
it just pops out every time i wake up in the morning. and before every morning, i keep saying to myself right before bed time, "tomorrow, just smile. no matter what, just smile. it's never hard to do so."

but when i wake up, i realise, how damn hard it is just to smile. not only to smile, i cant even sleep properly. if i could change the question, it would probably sound better this way:
"why is it so hard to live as a teenage?"

yeah. that sounds right to me now. I am now aware of the reason why i can't smile just for a day. People might be right about life, especially the transition of life. I'm still not sure if it's only me having such an over thinking personality or other young folks also go through the same thing.

High expectation, not being able to follow what your heart says, part of the pride and one of the hopes... I'm entirely sure, not all teens would experience this.

But freedom to go out there just to do what you think is right, to be with who you want, to be free from any expectations, to stop relying on people's opinion and being insecure... are all that we want.

That's all I could say. I might just start thinking about a way that can encourage my face muscle to stretch into a smile on the next day.

PART 1- Study, family, friends, passions, undesirable love... my life.

All right, finally this is the time. Finally this time came to me. Finally I got a chance to write what I’m keen to write about. First, I don’t know why this idea popped out in my head. I just wanted to write, that’s all I could say. Actually, these things have been staying in my mind way before I wrote this first post. I’m not sure enough if I still remember what I’m going to write. well, let just see what you will read in the next few paragraphs.
What I called as ‘these things’ are actually things that happen in my life, they are real. I can say this post is gonna be confessional-ish (this word is not in dictionary)
Because right at the moment something happened in front of me, words and a sentence just came through my mind without me willing to think of them. and right at the same time, I just said “so true!” in my mind. after that feeling, i felt like i really wanted to write it down, so that i could remember what I just thought about. that is cool, really. Unfortunately, I had no pencil or pen, or even paper or laptop in front of me, so i decided to keep it in my mind as long as i could. Until this time is coming.... I’m pretty excited.

Okay, lets get started....

If I could be honest, I have no idea where I need to start it from. it’s too much in my mind right now, racing, they are not in order.. uggh, all right, it seems like I need to arrange them first. well, lets just start from the plain one.
It happened few days or i could say few weeks ago, people at school were so busy about River Cruise thingy. to some of you who dont know what river cruise is, dont worry. I didnt know about it at the first time though, I’m Indonesian, that stuff is unfamiliar to me, never got to join that such thing before. River Cruise is actually a really simple concept, you stay on the big beautiful boat and cruise over the lake for about 3 hours. during the cruise, you are tempered by music, food, scenery and stuffs. it’s just nothing special.. well, according to me. Friends, teachers at school, they all seemed to be so excited about it. hmm, especially my friends. I was like ‘Okay... that is just river cruise, dude. what is so special about it? i mean... come on! if you want, you can do it more than once in your life.’ and my friends were like, ‘but it’s different, lady. thats the case when you’re going by yourself. but this one, with all friends! it rarely happens, its just gonna be so fun!’
okay, makes sense now. That is reasonable. but... though they just said that, still, I dont feel so special about it.

To be honest, i actually didnt want to go on that cruise, by my friends, even teachers, they pushed me to go. well, in a more proper word, they suggested me to go. They were like begging or something. Teachers said I’ve been working so hard and excellent this year, I need to be rewarded. and that is the price. well, i was thinking like ‘but sir, that really isn’t my thing.’
I had no choice. then, I finally decided to go. When my friends heard my final decision, they were like jumping up as they were crazy or hyper folks. they acted like they just graduated from school. well... it was just a river cruise, all right?

until now, I’m still thinking about my self. Am I weird? personally, i dont even think about my self as a weird person at all, just because I’m not such an excited person for river cruise and stuffs. What I noticed about my self is I like peace. I like quite place, where I’m so far away from noise, crowded and crazy people who are insane about party. I’d rather choose to be alone at home or a kind of beautiful park somewhere in the world, wearing my favorite beautiful dress, dancing and singing to my self, doing beautiful things like what they usually do in fairy land. hahha, imaginable, I know.
but that is just what I found about my self. and i found it unique. I love it.